Virtue: A Knight World Novel (Fireborn Wolves Book 2) Page 10

  “You aspire to be the pack priestess.”

  “All acolytes do.”

  “Some more than others.” He tilted his head.

  “There are some who quit early on, but I’ve been doing this for almost three years now and it’s the first time I’ve felt fully connected to anything. Artemis thinks I may be the one to take over her role when she retires.”

  Jason selected another piece of burger and successfully brought it to his mouth.

  “You’re doing better. I told you that you were hungry.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Something else? I feel like I’m giving you my life history.”

  “You said I wasn’t the first man you’d seen naked.”

  “You’re not.”

  “When you say you did things to survive…”

  Selene sighed. He was going to make her say it. “I had sex in exchange for things, to survive. Sometimes by choice. Sometimes by force. Never a good experience. I don’t like to talk about it.”

  Jason growled.

  “It was a long time ago.” She lowered her chin and stared at him.

  His brows knit, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Selene. I almost forced myself on you the other night. I was out of control. It must have been terrifying, especially considering your past.” He leaned toward her, his gaze locking with hers. “I’d never hurt you. Not intentionally.”

  For a long time, she simply stared at him, sizing him up. “I know.” Her voice was barely audible. She picked at her food. “Now, I’ve answered your questions. You need to answer mine.”

  “I thought I did. What other questions could you have?”

  “What was it about Ms. Matthews—”

  “That allowed her to fuel the darkest part of me?”

  Selene nodded. “I feel like I don’t have the full story.”

  Jason glanced toward the balcony. “Come outside with me?”

  “Jason…”

  “I’ll tell you. Just help me outside. If I eat another bite I’m going to pop. I haven’t seen the sun in four days.”

  She stood and helped him to the balcony. A warm breeze circled her shoulders as she lowered Jason onto one of the sling-back chairs.

  “Do you want me to get you a blanket?” she asked.

  “No. I’m okay.”

  Selene sat down beside him, trying to be patient.

  “Considering she was a human, Professor Matthews had quite the appetite. Once or twice a week she’d call me into her office and I’d do what I thought I had to do. Until during one session, my phone rang. I didn’t answer it, not until later when I was back at my dorm room.”

  “Who was it?” Selene’s voice felt thin and weak.

  “It was my mom. She wanted to talk to me about a charity performance she was going to with my father. My parents had invited my siblings and me to go as well, but I couldn’t because of Professor Matthews. My sister couldn’t go either because she was finishing an intense veterinary medicine program at the time. And Silas couldn’t go because he was a new detective and he was working that night.” Jason’s voice petered out at the end until she could barely hear him. She threaded her fingers into his and squeezed.

  “It’s understandable, Jason.”

  He turned his head to look at her, his green eyes as cutting and bright as emeralds. “My parents were gunned down in the Harlequin Theater at that performance. That call and that message were the last time I heard my mother’s voice. Not only did I miss Silas’s call weeks later to tell me they were dead, but I missed my last chance to talk to them while they were still alive. I never called my mother back. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to talk to her in case something in my voice gave away what I was doing with Jill. All because I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t face the consequences of my actions.”

  Selene’s lips parted and she took a tiny sip of air, trying her best not to react to the revelation, not to feel the aching pain that rolled off Jason like a fog and settled right over her heart. The look on his face said it all. He loathed himself. Loathed what he’d done.

  Standing from her chair, Selene knelt in front of him on the concrete, placing her hands on top of his.

  “You couldn’t have known what would happen. It isn’t your fault.”

  “No? Maybe if I’d had a spine. If I’d stood up to her… maybe I would have gone with my parents to that stupid play, and maybe I could have stopped Alex.”

  “Maybe. Or you might have been another of his victims. Your mother knew you loved her. If she were here, she’d tell you she forgives you for that day and many others. She’d want you to forgive yourself.”

  “How do you know?” Jason’s green eyes were wet with unshed tears.

  “I’m an acolyte, Jason.” Selene squeezed his hands. “Goddess willing, it’s my job to know.”

  Chapter 14

  Jason’s head pounded like the drum line in a subpar marching band. He’d hoped he could work a little, knew that after four days his inbox would be full, but after staring at a single e-mail for the better part of an hour, he conceded he wasn’t ready.

  Shuffling from his room, he found Selene curled in the leather chair with one of the few magazines he kept in the apartment, The Economist. Her violet eyes stared past the page with the sort of intense boredom you might see at a daylong insurance seminar.

  “How about a movie?” Jason asked.

  “Please.” She closed the magazine. “If you’re not too tired. It’s getting late.”

  “I’ve spent days in bed.” He grimaced. “I have no desire to go back there. Not yet.”

  “What do you want to watch?”

  “The DVDs are inside the cabinet to the right of the fireplace. If you don’t see anything you like, we can download something.”

  She crossed the room and popped open the cabinet. He watched her sit cross-legged on the floor like a child, perusing each title. What would she pick? He kept a number of romantic titles for his female guests, but there were a few in there he actually liked.

  “Here we go.” She pulled a disc from the case and slid it into the machine.

  Jason smiled. She’d chosen his favorite. “The Lord of the Rings? A strange choice for an acolyte.”

  “What do you think acolytes should watch?”

  “The Sound of Music,” Jason responded immediately.

  Selene’s mouth dropped open. “You do understand I don’t make my own clothes from my curtains.”

  He eyed her jeans and T-shirt combo. “You paid for that?”

  “Not everyone needs or can afford monogrammed dress shirts, Prince Jason.” She stood from the floor and flopped onto the oatmeal couch. He crossed the room to sit down beside her.

  “You’re a beautiful woman. Maybe I need to make a donation to Sanctuary. Artemis needs to take better care of her acolytes.” Jason sat down beside her.

  Her body tensed. Perhaps she was remembering the way he’d thrown her against the wall. Jason was probably like a dark cave to her. Once you’d seen the bear go in, even if you never saw it again, you’d never trust the darkness. You’d assume the bear was in there, hiding in the shadows.

  She scooted away from him, closer to the armrest. “How are you feeling?”

  Jason leaned his head back and analyzed her body language. Yep, she was afraid. Goddess, he owed her one. “My wolf is still making demands, but he’s not as loud inside my head as he used to be. Actually, when I think about what I did to you, it makes me feel ill. It was uncalled for. It won’t happen again.”

  Selene glanced at her fingers tangled in her lap. “Then we accomplished our goal. You’ve seen your vice for what it is.”

  “So, that’s it? I’m cured?”

  She snorted. “No. Not yet. Your vice will grow stronger with time, but the more you practice pushing it away, the longer it will stay away.”

  “What’s next then? To cure me?” he asked.

  “I’ll teach you coping techniques—meditation, anchoring—so when
it does happen, you’ll be ready. You can do this, Jason. The hardest part is over.”

  “Thank you.” His eyes met hers. All he could think was that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known. Not sexy, but beautiful, down to her very soul.

  “You’re welcome.”

  Jason leaned back against the sofa and for the first time in forever, he felt truly with a woman. As he glanced over at her, taking her in while she watched the movie, his chest swelled with respect and admiration. When this was all over, he hoped they’d stay friends, even after she became a priestess.

  “Jason?” She turned and his heart leapt when her gaze fell on him.

  “Yes?”

  “This is the most uncomfortable couch I’ve ever sat on.” She shifted awkwardly.

  “Admittedly.” He chuckled.

  “It feels like I’m sitting on a burlap bag full of ball bearings.”

  “Completely uncomfortable.” He nodded.

  She spread her hands in confusion. “Why do you own this?”

  He shrugged. “Someone told me it was the best.”

  “Someone lied to you.” She started laughing. “Never trust that person again.”

  He was laughing with her when his phone rang. “I’ve got to take this.” She nodded as he rose and scrambled from the couch, jogging out onto the balcony for some privacy. As he watched Selene through the glass door, he answered the call.

  “Hey, sexy. It’s Thursday night and I haven’t heard from you. Are you stopping by later?”

  “Sarah,” Jason said. “No, I can’t make it tonight.”

  There was silence on the other end of the line. “Is this because I wouldn’t go to your sister’s wedding?”

  “No. I’m just not… well,” he said.

  “Do you want me to come to your place?”

  “No,” Jason said too loudly. “I’m sorry, Sarah. Not tonight.”

  She scoffed. “What’s going on? You have not missed a session with me in two years. What gives?”

  Somewhere above him, a bird flapped its wings as it landed on the roof. Jason stared at it, admiring the flight, the freedom. “I’ve just decided you were right. I need more. I am looking for something, and what you and I had… it wasn’t helping either of us.”

  The call went quiet except for her shuddering breath.

  “Sarah, I…”

  “Good luck finding whatever you’re after,” she said. The call ended.

  Jason watched Selene through the glass, smiling as she slid from the uncomfortable couch to sit on the floor. For the hundredth time that day, he wished that things could be different, that she wasn’t an acolyte, and that he didn’t have a vice.

  His phone call was over but he didn’t rush to go back in. Instead, he rested his head against the window and just watched her.

  Selene was curious about what was taking Jason so long on the phone. She supposed it was work related. He had been unconscious for most of four days. When he finally did return, he didn’t bother with the sofa but sat down beside her on the floor. His hand landed on the carpet mere centimeters from hers, the outside of her pinky warming from the heat coming off his golden flesh. Her pulse should not have quickened, and her attention should not have lingered on the way his dark hair curved along his temple, accentuating the hard angles of his jaw.

  No, she should have been afraid, afraid his wolf could smell the arousal she was suppressing. Afraid he’d break his resolve and push her against the arm of the couch the same way he’d pushed her against the wall. But that wasn’t what she was afraid of. Her true fear, the one that lingered deep within, the one she’d toppled the bookcases and furniture of her mind to stop from reaching her, was that she wanted him to do it again. The memory of his body on hers and the thought that he could want only her were ideas so erotic they held a seductive power strong enough to make her temporarily forget her goal to become priestess.

  His nostrils flared, but he didn’t look at her. He watched, unblinking, as Frodo pressed his hobbit-back into the dirty nook under the road and closed his eyes against the temptation to put on the ring, even as the Ringwraith hovered over his head.

  Selene pulled her hand into her lap.

  Chapter 15

  “Stop fidgeting,” Selene said, glancing at Jason. The east-facing balcony was bathed in the warming light of sunrise but the calming effect of the blue skies and singing birds above seemed lost on him. His face gleamed with fresh sweat and he squirmed on the yoga mat as if he were sitting on a bed of nails.

  A few days had passed since she’d found his trigger. He was stronger now. He could handle more. But the wolf was back this morning with a vengeance.

  They’d been experimenting with intense exercise to work off the extra physical energy related to his vice, making use of his home gym several hours a day. But all the push-ups and miles on the treadmill hadn’t seemed to placate Jason’s wolf today. Clearly, he wanted sex. His entire body seemed to protest for it. Selene needed to find another way to help him.

  “How is this supposed to work again?” he asked.

  “Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and begin the mantra I taught you. Let it pull you down into deep meditation. It will help with your withdrawal symptoms.”

  His shoulders slumped, his presence heavy beside her. “Every time I close my eyes, I see…”

  “You see what?”

  “I see myself attacking you, grabbing you by the throat, pushing you against the wall.”

  Selene glanced toward the door. “Now? You’re fantasizing about this now?”

  “No! I’m not fantasizing. I’m ashamed. That night, when I forced you to let me go to the bordello… You don’t want to be here any more than I do. You certainly don’t want my disgusting hands all over your body. Fuck.” He scrubbed his face, turning slightly away from her. “You don’t understand. I couldn’t help myself. What if I lose control again?”

  There was a long stretch of silence. “Jason… Jason, look at me.” She reached over and tugged his chin so that he faced her, although his gaze remained focused on a segment of the balcony railing over her right shoulder. “When I took this assignment, I expected that your vice would take control at some point. I was prepared. You’re dealing with intense withdrawal. It’s to be expected.”

  “No.” He shook his head. “I’m dangerous. I liked the feel of you against me. My skin is crawling with need.” He pushed off the mat and paced to the other side of the balcony. “What if it happens again and I can’t stop? After what you’ve been through in your past…” He shook his head.

  “My past is in my past. You are not a part of that.” It was true that part of her still feared Jason on some level, and on an even deeper level, some part of her had enjoyed his touch. Saying either of those things out loud, however, wouldn’t help him get better or earn her a promotion to Preotka. She had to stay objective. “You know firsthand that I can defend myself. I knocked you on your ass for four days.”

  “Yes.”

  “Literally knocked you into tomorrow.”

  “Yes.”

  “I can do it again.”

  “Please don’t.”

  “The important thing is you didn’t try to slit my throat when you woke up. You were barely angry with me.”

  “What good would it do to be angry at you for defending yourself from…” He pointed his hands at himself.

  “That means, on some level you want to get better. You understand what we’re doing here and want to succeed.”

  “Or I just feel disgusting for throwing myself at you.”

  She moistened her lips. “You’re not disgusting,” she said. “You have a problem and we’re fixing it. That’s all. You won’t hurt me.”

  A storm moved in behind Jason’s eyes, the color of his irises flashing from green to amber. He clung to the railing behind him with a white-knuckled death grip as if it were the only thing keeping him from attacking her. The darkness was back. He was a predator again.

  “Yo
u don’t know what you do to me. Even now, I want to slide inside you, Selene. I want to feel the heat of your skin on my tongue. I want to run my hand up the inside of your thigh.” He looked her straight in the eye, and he seemed taller than a moment before. The intensity of his stare made her shiver. “Don’t tell me it’s okay. Tell me you understand the risks of being here and that you forgive me for wanting you.”

  Chest tight, Selene held his gaze. She hoped the mild breeze masked her arousal as the images he painted in her brain quickened her breath. “I… I forgive you,” she said. “And I know it could happen again… but I don’t think it will. You can control this. What I’m teaching you today will help.”

  For a long time, he simply stared at her, breathing. Slowly, his amber eyes turned green again. He lowered himself to the mat, crossed his legs, and straightened his spine.

  “Close your eyes,” she said quietly. He did.

  With a deep, cleansing breath, Selene centered herself. “Let’s try again.”

  This time Jason got it right. The space beside her grew quiet and cool. His fidgeting stopped. Her ears lost the thump of his racing heart. But he’d need help to go deeper, to that place of healing she knew he must go. That’s where she came in.

  Closing her eyes, she threaded her fingers into his, ignoring the way the touch of his hand sent a warm current of heat up her arm. He must have felt it too because his body stiffened. She began her mantra.

  Meditation was a grounding force in Selene’s life, a way of centering herself that had saved her from the shame of being homeless and the shame of all the things she’d done to survive. It had helped her transition into the order and strengthened her mind. Desperately, she wanted to give Jason this tool to ease the suffering she’d seen in him. She reached out from her center, psychically surrounded him, and lowered him into that space between sleep and awake.

  In that wide-open consciousness, color, emotion, and pure mindfulness were all that existed. The muddy-green color of his aura became palpable, clouding the pale blue of her own. Jason’s aura was dark, but at the heart of it, a spark of bright green burned, crystal clear and lit from within. This was what she was trying to save. This was Jason. The real Jason.